twisting darkness

a storm rolls in

under the

breathing thoughts

of

my mind

i wish i never

gave them life,

life enough

to seek

the heart

in my chest

the one that

rains blood

the one that

is cracked and dark

but to it

these thoughts

have journeyed

like the serpent in that tree

they have

introduced

a friend

called doubt

offering promises

to fill holes

that didn’t exist

until they told me

all while

creating

a desire for

what

i haven’t been given

a desire 

now embedded so deep

into my stony heart

im not surprised

she ate the fruit.

i now know

i nurtured

my own torment

feeding the thoughts

clinging to the

hope

i was sure they

would bring

forgetting to remember

He who poured out his life

unto death.

the crooked winged

angel

stands

praying beside me

as the one

covered in pearls

flies behind her

they

make me wonder

if the storm is on

its way

to my heart

and

if lightning

was to strike

would it break open

this cage

locked from the inside.

I pray to be only Yours

I’ve misplaced my journal. 

Apparently it is the only paper that exists in the world because I haven’t really reflected or written down anything since it scampered away. You would think I would have some analogy/metaphor or gospel connection for this....well maybe you wouldn’t...but I’ve been waiting for some glimmering thought to squeeze into my brain. nothing. 

There are so many things I have wanted to write down but haven’t. So many thoughts I have suffocated because a little book is hidden from my eyes. Also I have suffered from do I write? do I not write? I know. Silly. Not about me all for the King.

So if I could be random....I don’t know why I am asking permission. 

I went to a wedding this weekend. Beautiful. Mmmm...I don’t think I have been to an ugly one. But anyway. My heart was doing the ekkk wedding chant! typical girl. And as my friend was about to walk down the isle I snatched up my anxious thoughts that were years down the road. I took them to the foot of the cross. Jesus protect my heart and let me live the life you have written for me, not dreaming up another. Teach me much about you. He did that for sure. Not immediately but my mind has shifted and everything I heard yesterday sounds different. For your Maker is your husband--the LORD Almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5

 How exciting! 

This is a stretch but my heart loves it and I pray it is okay to think this way,

 I, the LORD Almighty, take you Kathryn, to be my wife, to have as my own and to hold in my right hand, to lift up your face and bestow glory upon you, from this day and every second to come, for better or for best, for my Kingdom’s glory, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until you see me face to face.

I, Kathryn, surrender to you Almighty God, to be my husband, to live in union with You, pour me out for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, so I can reflect your love, majesty and sacrifice to the world; from this day forward until I arrive home. 

I Lamb of God, give you Kathryn my life, death and resurrection I commit my love, honor, and respect to you.

I Kathryn, give you Jesus all the heartbeats left in my chest, that you would be glorified. Write in me the letter of yourself to be read by all so that the world will know you. In the life you have given me be lifted high. You are my only hope. I will praise and exalt you the King who lives forever. 

Praise Jesus. I could journal for days. I am so excited for Easter...to live the Passion, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! 

learning how to love you,

Kathryn

kings and kingdoms

I have seen some castles but never a kingdom. Call me crazy but for some reason I think of castles and kingdoms as being related. I don’t know if you have ever tried to imagine a kingdom...I find it difficult. The Castle of Versailles, Hogwarts and the castle that grows from a beam of light as walt disney unfolds at the bottom of the screen is what my brain tries to mush into a kingdom. None of those are good enough. I want something bigger yet not stuffy.              

 This all flooded my thoughts when the memory verse was Hebrews 4:11   Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need...(kings sit on thrones... kings have kingdoms...perfect sense...I know) scripture is telling me that I can come to THE throne not just a throne. And I know the throne doesn’t matter it is who is on the throne that makes it too good to be true. -these words weigh so much they don’t bounce around lightly in my head- I want to know more. I like to think about this Kingdom. The only Kingdom worth thinking about. The only Kingdom worth fighting for. Daniel 4 is one of my favorites. Nebuchadnezzr was the most powerful King in Babylonian history. The story is that he was prideful so God pretty much turned him into a bird for 7 years. Daniel 4:34 At the end of that time I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified Him who lives forever: His dominion is an eternal dominion; His Kingdom endures from generation to generation. Nebuchadnezzar on fire for God’s Kingdom! His eyes were opened and he saw God as greater, eternal. Every-time I read it I remember my eyes have been opened. God gave me faith, He let me look to Heaven. I have been invited in, transported from the kingdom of darkness into the Kingdom of light. Speechless.  

 And if my thought process hasn’t confused you enough, Thailand comes to mind. I was stalking the country online like normal and “Kingdom of Thailand” came up. So naturally I begin to blog and here we are. At the Thailand retreat we were told that Thais love their king. As this unseen world shakes within me I pray for the Thai people to praise and exalt and glorify the King of Heaven and for my own heart to beat for King Jesus and His glory. I am still in awe of God and His ways of providing for this trip. I am almost at $4,000. Amazing. Doubt likes to creep in for sneak attack on my faith so I reach for the sword of truth  Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us! The rest will come and so will The Kingdom.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and support. I am blessed to be on this journey with you. 

AND WE

YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR SONS

WILL SEE THE KINGDOM COME 

IN YOUR CITY

PRAISE BE THE ONE WHO HAS BROUGHT US HERE JESUS IS HIS NAME

preoccupied

it seems that for days i have been thinking in broken circles. that i can’t complete a thought. all these half-started thoughts floating around have come to annoy me enough to share. i know. thrilling. today in class we talked about technology and its influence on parent child relationships and ultimately society. the comment was made that we are losing our ability to think original thoughts. i felt like i struck gold. this explains why i have be searching to think. finally i had something to blame, technology. of course the gold was fake and the excitement crumbled on my way to the car. i want to think, i want to form thoughts and make sense of things. i want to learn, and ask questions about anything was my cry. then i remembered....think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. colossians 3:2 

i am convinced that this is why my thoughts have seemed to evaporate so quickly. i have been thinking about earthly things, nothing of any worth at all. why can i not take any event of the day and find the gospel? it may take some thinking, but isn’t that what i want? and that i get to dwell on something so breath taking. what a privilege. so i thought i would try to complete these dancing thoughts...here are some of the things i have seen and my attempt to find truth, to think heavenly

-bowling the other night i went bowling with a group of friends. there were children bowling in the lane right next to us. i would guess all under the age of seven. clearly they were having issues with the game. the ball was too heavy, most of them had no clue that the screen above them told whose turn it was, or that socks made the floor extremely slippery. one of the little boys did understand, he knew who was to go next. he also helped each one get a ball and bowl. i was amazed, so patient, so nice, so selfless. i know this might be stretching it (but i imagine heavenly thoughts come with a battle of their own. pushing out the world) Jesus knows this life better than we do. just like the little boy knew the game better than his friends. Christ is patient with us, helping us carry heavy loads, just like the little boy. the boy knew to look at the screen for the next instruction. Jesus always looked to the Father. yes, Jesus has done much more for me than teach me how to bowl, but what a picture God provided to remind me to go back to the cross. 

-GUC or the “eat lunch here” place for UNA- today i was sitting in the GUC. i use to hangout in there everyday last year. this year the only times i’ve gone have been when it is practically empty. today it was noon. i was overwhelmed. maybe it had to do with the thinking fog. i was sitting with two people i knew and three i didn’t. i felt some what safe at that table, but i kept looking around realizing how many people i didn’t know. last year the faces grew familiar from being in there day after day. but today everyone looked new. of course there was no light bulb moment while sitting there. i do remember thinking how on earth am i going to be in Thailand on a campus of 40,000? talk about not knowing people. i wanted to know why i was so bothered by the fact that i didn’t know many of those around me. the thought followed me all day. most of them i will never talk to in my life, but for that brief moment our lives were in the same room. i wanted there to be a bigger meaning. i wanted the Lord to reveal Himself to me. He has. He is in control of every moment. i needed to feel overwhelmed to remember who i serve. i needed to feel overwhelmed so i would run to Him begging Him for heavenly thoughts. i needed to feel like just another person to remember that He calls me daughter.  He wanted me to see He has glory that fills all the earth. 

will we lay down our heads tonight and quietly forget the cross?

Martin Luther

so cultivate this joy...by continually meditating on the gospel. Let the cross always be the treasure of your heart, your best and highest thought...and your passionate preoccupation 

-C.J Mahaney 

I pray the Lord changes my thinking, and helps my tangled thoughts lead to His cross, His heart, and His heavenly throne.

learning how to love you,

 Kathryn

20/400

Before you continue to read you may want to know that I have never blogged before. You may also want to know that I am very fond of words and lots of them.

I have been told that is my vision. it means that at 20 feet I see what a normal person sees at 400 feet. I suppose I believe the doctor. Part of me is not really sure how possible that is, but I do understand I have horrible eye-sight. I am forced to be dependent on glasses/contacts or welcome a headache with open arms. which normally doesn’t bother me. I did say normally, meaning it has bothered me recently. it really is a funny story...last night my roommate was in my room and said “what’s that?” in a gasping/worried kind of way. me without my glasses sees a brown roach shaped object on my pillow. naturally I jump and it falls...so I jump again and then it changes...it wasn’t a roach...a stinkin hair tie. she laughed...I did too, but then I was embarrassed. I really was scared. you know the way you feel when you think the police lights and siren flick on behind you? call me strange but I do not like roaches. I started thinking if I could just see this wouldn’t have happened. 

I was hunting for the analogy right when the burn of “hurt feelings” stung my pride. I can’t see, must wear glasses, simple get over it kathryn. but it got me thinking what do I really want to see?  job 19:27 I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!  

right now I am looking forward to spending 8 weeks in Khon Kaen, Thailand with an interdenominational ministry called Campus Outreach. we (team of 16 American college students and 2 staff members) will be partnering with Campus Outreach Thailand on the campus of Khon Kaen University- to build relationships with the Thai students and have the privilege of sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  

what I know about Thailand reminds me a lot of my blurry vision. I can only make out shapes and read things about the country and people. I really have no idea what it will be like. Over 9,000 miles away from everything I know. away from the American lens my heart is clinging to. The quest for eyes with world vision has begun. The cost of the trip is $6,000...my eyes can fill up with doubt quickly if focusing on that number too long. ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

“If I could just see this wouldn’t have happened,” If I had 20/20 vision I would have never come to this moment, falling more in love with the one who gives sight to the blind. 

I ask you to come on this journey with me, through prayer in reaching the nations with the Gospel of Christ. Would you join the team as we pray ::: For His gospel to go forth from us in actions and words. That He would work and move in the souls of the students and many would come to know Him (Mark 1:17-18; Ephesians 6:19; Matthew 9:35-38)

-learning how to love you,

           kathryn